I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
