I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
