yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
