Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize