i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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