Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize