You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
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