It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
you made out with another girl for some wings
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
