mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Randomize
