I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
