I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
