I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
