Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
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