God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Randomize
