i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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