My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Randomize
