Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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