i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Randomize
