Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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