so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
