saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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