it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Hippo gnu deer
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Dick very happy bro
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
