Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
