after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
