dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
