I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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