lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
