They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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