I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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