i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize