I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Pants are for mortals
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
