you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
