Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Randomize
