you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
