just survived the first fart of the relationship.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
