***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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