the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
