I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Well I just put wine in my tea
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
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