Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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