i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
