A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Randomize
