hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
