Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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