I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
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