Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
