Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
