im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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