Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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