obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
