News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
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