nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
