I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Randomize
