better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
