Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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