do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
