apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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