Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
He felt like a one man threesome
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
