His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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